Who Am I?

“It's okay not to be okay.
Sometimes it's hard to follow your heart.
Tears don't mean you're losing, everybody's bruising,
Just be true to who you are!”

Who You Are – Jessie J

Isn’t it funny how sometimes music just speaks to you? I’m always finding songs that describe exactly how I’m feeling, when I was unable to find the words to explain for myself.  Take the other day for example.  I was listening to the Smash soundtrack (A fab TV drama about putting on a broadway show – if you love musicals, give it a whirl), when I heard one of the characters singing “Who You Are” by Jessie J.  I’d never really paid attention to the lyrics before, but suddenly they came crashing into my head.

After “The Incident” a few months ago, I listened to a lot of advice from friends, family and people who had been in a similar position to mine.  They all had tips and strategies for how I should be behaving and feeling.  One of the most popular nuggets of wisdom was that I should be strong and move on – I would probably find someone who appreciated me just the way I was and I shouldn’t let him have his own way.  So I tried to be cool and collected.  To be dismissive of my marriage as if it meant nothing to lose it.  And I hated it.  It was like I was bi-polar.  One minute angry and bitter, the next sobbing and desperate.  I was a wreck.  Then I heard the song above and realised that I didn’t have to pretend anymore.  If I wasn’t ready to move on, if I was still hurting, that was completely OK.  And I should act exactly the way I wanted to, not the way I was advised to.

So I went looking for other advice, from people on the same wavelength as me.  People who thought no situation was hopeless and that it was never right to just give up, if you really don’t want to.  I trawled the internet for guidance on repairing broken relationships and I came across two authors who have helped me in the most incredible way.

The first was a marriage therapist called Andrew Marshall.  I’ve got quite a few of his books on my Kindle – “I Love You But I’m Not In Love With You” and “My Wife Doesn’t Love Me Anymore” (aimed at men, but a lot of the advice is valid for women too)  Both of these books deal with relationships that feel like they might be over, and gives ways that you could re-introduce romance, love and intimacy.  They’re great because they are hopeful without being unrealistic.  Andrew accepts that not every relationship can be saved, but feels it is never right to give up if you don’t want to.  What’s particularly good about the books is that Andrew believes the main step to saving any relationship is to concentrate on yourself, making yourself into a better, happier person, rather than trying to fix the other partner.  This fits in very nicely with my new life plan!

Andrew has also written a couple of other books called “Learn to Love Yourself” and “Help Your Partner Say Yes” which are supposed to be good as well, so they’re also on my reading list.

The second author I came across was Ed Wheat, a Christian Marriage Counsellor.  Now, I’m not exactly what I’d call a Christian, although I would probably say my upbringing fell in with a lot of Church of England traditions.  I was christened in a Church, for example.  If you’re a complete atheist you might be put off by this book, as it does stand by the Biblical view point that marriage is for life and should be preserved at all costs.  It focuses on how to build a stronger relationship, based on mutual love and respect.  It also deals a lot with making yourself a better person, so it is easier for your partner to love you and want to rebuild the relationship.  There is also a brilliant section on How to Save Your Marriage alone.   I found it all very uplifting and hopeful and now feel really positive about my future.  I cannot control what happens in my relationship, but I can take control of myself.  I can grow into a better person and hopefully everything will work out. If it doesn’t, I will have learnt a lot and will hopefully be all the stronger for it as I move on in my new life.