“It's okay not to be okay.
Sometimes it's hard to follow your heart.
Tears don't mean you're losing, everybody's bruising,
Just be true to who you are!”
Who You Are – Jessie J
Isn’t
it funny how sometimes music just speaks to you? I’m always finding
songs that describe exactly how I’m feeling, when I was unable to find
the words to explain for myself. Take the other day for example. I was
listening to the Smash soundtrack (A fab TV drama about putting on a
broadway show – if you love musicals, give it a whirl), when I heard one
of the characters singing “Who You Are” by Jessie J. I’d never really
paid attention to the lyrics before, but suddenly they came crashing
into my head.
After “The Incident” a few months ago, I listened to
a lot of advice from friends, family and people who had been in a
similar position to mine. They all had tips and strategies for how I
should be behaving and feeling. One of the most popular nuggets of
wisdom was that I should be strong and move on – I would probably find
someone who appreciated me just the way I was and I shouldn’t let him
have his own way. So I tried to be cool and collected. To be
dismissive of my marriage as if it meant nothing to lose it. And I
hated it. It was like I was bi-polar. One minute angry and bitter, the
next sobbing and desperate. I was a wreck. Then I heard the song
above and realised that I didn’t have to pretend anymore. If I wasn’t
ready to move on, if I was still hurting, that was completely OK. And I
should act exactly the way I wanted to, not the way I was advised to.
So
I went looking for other advice, from people on the same wavelength as
me. People who thought no situation was hopeless and that it was never
right to just give up, if you really don’t want to. I trawled the
internet for guidance on repairing broken relationships and I came
across two authors who have helped me in the most incredible way.
The
first was a marriage therapist called Andrew Marshall. I’ve got quite a
few of his books on my Kindle – “I Love You But I’m Not In Love With
You” and “My Wife Doesn’t Love Me Anymore” (aimed at men, but a lot of
the advice is valid for women too) Both of these books deal with
relationships that feel like they might be over, and gives ways that you
could re-introduce romance, love and intimacy. They’re great because
they are hopeful without being unrealistic. Andrew accepts that not
every relationship can be saved, but feels it is never right to give up
if you don’t want to. What’s particularly good about the books is that
Andrew believes the main step to saving any relationship is to
concentrate on yourself, making yourself into a better, happier person,
rather than trying to fix the other partner. This fits in very nicely
with my new life plan!
Andrew has also written a couple of other
books called “Learn to Love Yourself” and “Help Your Partner Say Yes”
which are supposed to be good as well, so they’re also on my reading
list.
The
second author I came across was Ed Wheat, a Christian Marriage
Counsellor. Now, I’m not exactly what I’d call a Christian, although I
would probably say my upbringing fell in with a lot of Church of England
traditions. I was christened in a Church, for example. If you’re a
complete atheist you might be put off by this book, as it does stand by
the Biblical view point that marriage is for life and should be
preserved at all costs. It focuses on how to build a stronger
relationship, based on mutual love and respect. It also deals a lot
with making yourself a better person, so it is easier for your partner
to love you and want to rebuild the relationship. There is also a
brilliant section on How to Save Your Marriage alone. I found it all
very uplifting and hopeful and now feel really positive about my
future. I cannot control what happens in my relationship, but I can
take control of myself. I can grow into a better person and hopefully
everything will work out. If it doesn’t, I will have learnt a lot and
will hopefully be all the stronger for it as I move on in my new life.
